Behold! My Woot! Bag of Crap.K. Praslowicz
A Bag of Crap. A Bandoleer of Carrots. A Bresson of Cartiers. Call it what you like, but that doesn’t change the fact that woot.com has created a thing of Internet legend by selling boxes fulls of random stuff for $5. Some people occasionally get 50” Plasma TVs, others get 42 coffee makers. Most people just get a box full of crap.
This is my story.
January 25th, 2011
January 25th was just another typical Tuesday in the office where I whore a bit of my computer science skills for money to feed my photography habit. Sometime around 4:00 I opened a new tab in my web browser and the speed dial thumbnail set to woot.com on my browser had the famous wrinkle paper back with a yellow question mark on it. Like every other time this has happened in the past three years, I clicked it and expected to either get the usual non-loading page, or have the whole experience freeze up the moment I clicked the big “I want one” button.
Much to my surprise, the page loaded. Even further to my surprise, clicking the “I wasn’t one” button didn’t lead to a server time out. It was asking me to log-in.
I figured that since I wasn’t logged in, my attempt to do so would be doomed as the Woot servers were undoubtedly taking a harder beating than Carl Weathers in Rocky IV. But no! My log-in succeeded. It was asking me for payment details.
Oh no! I just got an updated credit card and the information it was showing me was out of date! This is where I lose my bag of crap as it times out as I attempt to update it.
Magically, I was able to submit my updated payment information. My order was in. No longer was I going to be a Bag of Crap virgin.
January 25th – January 15th, 2011
Was I living a dream? Could it be real? Have I finally succeeded at purchasing a Bag of Crap after all these years?
Yes. Yes I have. Now the waiting, and wondering game has begun.
Would I be one of those few lucky people who gets blessed with a bag of crap where the contents are something awesome like a big ass TV? What if someone at Woot! was an avid fan of my blog, recognized my name in the orders, and decided to send me a 100 pack of 8×10 color sheet film? Hell, What if I at least get a decent compact point & shoot digital camera? The possibilities were endless.
Blizzards came and ravaged the southern United States. This delayed the shipment of my Bag of Crap for some time. The anticipation only grew worse.
February 8th, 2011
The Bag of Crap finally shipped. Estimated delivery is the 17th. Package weight is 3.1 pounds. 3.1 pounds of hundred dollars bills is roughly worth $135,000. Oh how great that would be.
The day of days – February 15th, 2011, 5:00pm CST
I think for the first time in my life, a package arrived well before the estimated delivery date. It was like Christmas all over again, except this time I didn’t need to sing for a fat man in a red suit for my present and my grandfather wasn’t blistering my skin with four thousand watts of halogen lights for his video equipment.
It may not be a $30,000 Titanium Leica to take video of as I unbox it, but it is essentially the next best thing.
The first cuts are made. Time to start digging through the contents.
Screaming Monkeys With Flaming Woot! Capes x 2
Alas, I’m an now an owner of the famed Screaming Monkey. They are fun little slingshot-esque toys that scream as they fly across the room when you launch from your fingers. I gave one a test flight and knocked over some of my glassware.
None of the glassware broke. Onto the next item.
Gluten Free BBQ rub. Label claims that it is fantastic on anything I’d put salt & pepper on. I hate salt worse than photographs of Horseshoe Bend, but I love pepper like my only child. I’ll try it sometime in place of pepper.
Onto the next item.
A Sequin Covered Container With Gold Chain.
It is round, so perhaps I could use it at a lens case. Although I don’t think it matches my fashion sense or will meet my durability requirements.
Nûby™ Natural Touch™ Store n’ Feed™ Breastmilk Storage Containers.
0_o. Just the containers. Not even the breast pump to take some incriminating photos of myself with.
I figure my best course of action is to fill them up with cow milk and invite some friends over. While engaging in small talk I’ll lie a bit and say that my sister had recently visited with her newborn child. Later on I’ll pull the milk filled containers out of the fridge and say “Hmm. Looks like my sister forgot to take her breast milk home with her.” Then I’ll shrug and use the milk to mix up some White Russians and serve them to the guests. Hilarity ensues.
These are As Seen on TV glass balls you fill up with water and then stick in your potted plants to keep them watered. Too bad the last time I’ve had plants in my house was at my last apartment where mushrooms started growing out bathroom floor due to the half-assed job the landlord did on installing the bathtub. Not much use to me unless I think of something creative.
Since we are on the subject, why does the As Seen on TV logo still exist on products? Who is it impressing in 2011? 99% of American households have a TV and there are a bajillion+1 channels on each set.
It isn’t like the 1950s when it there were only three channels that only aired for eight hours a day. You know, back when getting into those few hours of airtime might have been something special. These days we have shows about everything from beauty pageants for toddlers to midget bakers. If it exists, it has been seen on TV.
And speaking of marketing slogans from the 1950s; stop saying that your As Seen on TV products are made from space-age technology. Sputnik launched in 1957. All you are really saying is “This product was created in the past fifty-four years.” It isn’t special.
And thats the story of my first Bag of Crap. I hope you’ve enjoyed it.