The Worst Dream I've Ever Had

February 9th, 2014. The night I had one of the worst dreams of my life.

Before I can tell this dream, I need to introduce my cat Smoky.

Smoky is a sweet pudgy Nebelung-looking-thing that I adopted from Animal Allies back in the summer of 2012.

When Smoky gets excited for attention or wanting to play, he does this thing where he’ll run up to me, meow for attention, and then run off to wherever it is that he wants me to play with him. This usually happens while I’m doing things like preparing dinner, so it might take him a few tries back and forth until I have time to go and give him some attention.

It is very puppy like and super adorable.

So in my dream this night Smoky was doing his usually back and forth schtick when he accidently did a sweet four legged Moonwalk.

Pulling off this maneuver got Smoky absolutely PUMPED. Somehow, through the magic of things that happen in dreams, he got the point across to me that he wanted to take this trick to New York City and try out for David Letterman’s Stupid Pet Tricks with it.

Not wanting to rob my cat of his ambitions, I took him down to the bus station to send him on his way. He excitingly ran back and forth between myself and the bus a few times before finally boarding it as it took off.

For whatever reason things in dreams happen, the bus was more of a 1960s style bus. The whole part of this dream reminded me much of the scene in Forrest Gump when Jenny gets on the bus and leaves, only now with cats.

A few weeks go by, and I receive a letter in the mail. It was from Smoky and he was writing to tell me that his act got accepted for David Letterman. He was also asking that I come out to New York City to be in the audience for his big day.

I packed my bags and took a bus to New York City. I arrived right at the studio on the day that the episode with Stupid Pet tricks was to be filmed.

I get my ticket and find my seat early. The entire studio is still dark and empty with the exception of something in the middle of the stage with a bright white spotlight being shone on it. David Letterman and another man are standing nearby in the light frying some meat in a pan.

Curious as to what was going on, I got out of my seat and approached the stage.

At I drew close I overhear David Letterman talking to the other man about how instead of doing Stupid Pet Tricks, he was instead going to cook and eat all the animals who were supposed to be on the show.

A moment of horror and panic sets in. The object with the spotlight being shone onto it was then revealed to be a deli refrigerator like you would see in the meat section of a grocery store full of rows of shrink-wrapped meat.

Right there in the front was a meat tray that had a single hand-written word on the label: “Smoky.”

Immediatly woke up from that dream in a cold panic. Screw you Dream David Letterman. Seriously one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had. I hope my stupid head never tops it.